From Alberobello we drive to a beautiful farmhouse converted into a very stylish boutique hotel. Andrina informs us that we will be having a four course lunch here as part of the tour. Wine and beer will also be served. Suddenly the frantic four leap to their feet. OK, “leap” might be an exaggeration, but boy can they move when food is mentioned. The bus is parked on the main road and we have to walk down a lane, along a driveway and across a large courtyard to get to the restaurant. It is downhill all the way and the florid four gather speed and momentum as they go, like bowling balls in an alley, crushing anyone who gets in their way. Miraculously they are one of the first to get to the restaurant, but by now they are in full boston terrier mode, coughing and wheezing . They grab the nearest table for four and collapse exhausted into the chairs with their little pink tongues hanging down to the first of their chins.

We start eating at 1.30. By 3.15 we are all still sat there. Eighteen of us are sipping cappuccinos, chatting and enjoying the atmosphere. The other four are asking if they can have another desert! I will leave you to guess which four.

Andrina is very agitated. We still have another town to see and time is running out. She tries to get us up and going, telling us that the itinerary only allows an hour for lunch. What were they thinking? This is Italy! The country where eating lunch is a religious experience and can last for hours.

Back on the bus we head for Ostuni. It is a place that is hard to ignore. With the sun shining on it, it is visible from miles away, like a glistening white crown on top of a hill.

Known as “the white city”, it dates back 2,000 years, and even then it was built on the ruins of an older city. Present day residents are required to whitewash the walls of their houses every spring. Originally it was done to reflect the heat and keep the interiors cool. Today, I suspect it is done to keep the tourists coming

And it works. The place is packed.

Andrini tells us we have less than an hour to explore. Once again the coach has to stop outside the town and Andrini leads us towards a central square. It is now the hottest time of the day and as you can see from the photos all the walking is uphill. The frantic four flatly refuse to leave the bus. The rest of us follow Andrina to the square, but the four course lunch is having its effect. People are tired and grumpy. Not me of course. A forced march up a steep hill in 98 degrees after a large and boozy lunch is my idea of a perfect vacation!

A tall, thin woman, dripping with sweat, hair plastered down on her scalp, clothes sticking to any protruding body part, yells at Andrina to stop.

“We did not sign up for a forced march” she cries, “we are hot and tired and we are not going any further” she continues, assuming she is talking for everyone.

She is not. Some still want to follow Andrina to the top of the hill to see the famous cathedral. Others do not. We do. Yes, dear readers, you read that correctly, we (and that includes me) do. That might come as something of a surprise to you. It certainly shocked the hell out of me. Not only do we want to see the Cathedral (OK, when I say “we”, I really mean Gordon), but we want to go at our own pace, which is considerably faster than the pace Andrina is being forced to adhere to by the aged and the infirm.

We shoot up the hill at a remarkable speed, overtaking cars as we go

OK, so they were parked! But do you see that look the woman in the car on the right is giving me, peering over the top of her ugly sunglasses like some disapproving school teacher. I don’t like her one little bit. Hasn’t she ever seen two fabulous looking gay men before?

Other streets are too narrow for cars, and they are going down hill, which seems so unfair!

When we finally get to the cathedral, we are a little disappointed. Yes, it is beautiful

But after the bright white of the beautiful city it seems so dark and gloomy.

We could spend much more time exploring this city, but sadly it is time to go. We make our way back to the coach where we find the florid four sitting in a cafe across the road eating ice cream. Where’s the woman in the car when we need her? One look over her sunglasses at this foursome would melt their ice creams in a moment .