They say that the camera never lies

But portrait painters are paid to do just that

He was a vain man, although he had little reason to be. King Gustav II of Sweden was an unpleasant looking individual shaped like a pear. His face was an upturned triangle with his chin pointing down at his enormous girth, as if to highlight it. His chubby little legs did their best to support it.

This was not the King’s favourite portrait! The King preferred his portraits to show him in a more flattering light, preferably as a man with a waist and on a horse going into battle

It was 1625 and Sweden was at war with Poland. King Gustav had heard that Denmark was building a grand new warship. One that had two decks full of cannons, instead of the usual one deck. The King decided that was just what Sweden needed. The ship yard got to work immediately, but when the King took a look at their progress he wasn’t happy. It looked just like Denmark’s ship. That wouldn’t do at all. His ship had to be bigger and better. Of course it did! Which only goes to prove, if you are the King of Sweden and look like a large pear, no one is going to tell you that size isn’t everything.

And the King wanted the ship to carry an unprecedented 64 cannons.

The ship builders worked day and night trying to fulfill the Kings’ new demands

But still the King kept meddling. Such an important ship could not possibly look so plain as it did at that moment. It needed a little something to make it look more impressive. So the King ordered the 64 cannons to be cast out of bronze. Now that was impressive

But when the cannons were loaded on board the King was disappointed. They could only really be appreciated from inside the ship.

So he meddled some more

What the ship needed was a wow factor. And of course the King knew exactly how to do that. The ship needed rows of carved images of himself, brightly painted and mounted on the back of the ship. That would make anything look better. And of course he should be depicted with broad shoulders and a small waist. Not a pear shaped carving to be seen anywhere! And perhaps add a few carvings of his family too. That should impress the hell out of their enemies!!

Finally the King was happy

And if all the extras were delaying the delivery then corners could be cut to speed things up. The King was sure that the 200 crew could manage with just two toilets. And those two toilets could be simple. Two small square wooden boxes should work! Not ergonomically suitable for round bums, but easy to make. They were placed outside, one either side of the prow, as you can see in this photo. No wow factor here.

Anything your body wanted to get rid of, passed through the wooden box and through the slats they sat on and there it stayed until a wave broke over the bow and hopefully washed it away. On calm days, when waves didn’t break over the bow………….well, try not to think about it.

Meanwhile, concern was growing over the weight of the ship. Many thought that adding a second deck to the ship, combined with the weight of 64 cannons was going to make the ship top heavy. And then of course there were the rows and rows of heavy wooden sculptures of the King and his family. They added to the problem, but try telling the King that!.

With just weeks to go to the launch it was decided that a stability test should be conducted. That sounds sort of technical, but remember this was 1626. There was nothing technical about it. They simply had 30 men run from side-to-side amidship. Pretty simple, and hopefully not too taxing for Sweden’s greatest ever war ship. But it was. After three traversals by the men, the test was halted because the ship was rocking so violently it was feared it would keel over.

The ship was indeed top heavy. It needed to be stabilized. The only way to do that was to add more ballast under the floorboards of the hull. The problem was that there was no room to do it.

The answer to that dilemma was the usual. Do nothing, say nothing and whatever you do, do not tell tell King

And so it was, at 4:00 PM on August 10th, 1628, the great warship Vasa finally set sail in Stockholm harbor on its maiden voyage as the newest, largest and most impressive ship in the Royal Swedish Navy.

To be continued……………….