Oh to be in England, now that April’s there

When Robert Browning wrote that he clearly knew what he was talking about. The unspoken sentiment is “don’t bloody well go in June”!!Sadly, that is exactly what we have done.

It is cloudy, grey and cold. A bitter wind blows directly off the sea. The temperature is minus 7 degrees. An exaggeration I know, but most of what I write is an exaggeration. How else can I entertain?

Gordon has on a T shirt, sweat shirt, a puffa jacket and a nylon jacket, one on top of each other. But just one pair of sweatpants. The top half of his body is lovely and warm but he is frozen stiff below the waist (maybe I should try and rephrase that). The English on the other hand are all wearing T shirts and shorts. Even the locals. It is summer after all.

My mother Gordon and I have driven down to Teignmouth on the south coast of Devon. My mother complained the entire way. She has to go. Gordon behaved perfectly ( unusual I know), so he can stay. In fact he must. Someone has to deal with my mother.

Teignmouth is described as “The Gem of South Devon”, a phrase obviously written by the Teignmouth Tourist Office. If you search Wikipedia for Teignmouth (the question “Why would you?” has yet to be answered), then this is the image you get

It does look like a gem, doesn’t it?

But if you travel with me, this is what you get

As Ed so aptly says “More like a Cubic zirconia”

A sure fire way of knowing you are in England is when every bench and every deck chair on the seafront is filled with the elderly taking their afternoon nap. Nothing, not even torrential rain, is going to stop them

Before leaving the US, I carefully researched Teignmouth for a smart upscale hotel where we would feel pampered. There isn’t one. And dear Reader, that is not an exaggeration. You try finding one. That of course should have been the first clue for us to start looking for a jewel somewhere else. The other clue was the Fabulosity meter refusing to get in the car for the journey down. But we are visiting life long friends who live in Teignmouth, so Teignmouth it must be. So I lowered my sights and searched for a nice hotel. There isn’t one of those either!

The nearest I could come to “nice” was something adequate. Actually it appeared to be much more than that when reading their website. And it certainly looked absolutley charming

It is situated just above the beach. Each room comes with a balcony where you can sit , relax and enjoy the lovely views of Teignmouth across the river estuary. Doesn’t that sound perfect. What they don’t tell you is that you have to be a double amputee to sit on the balcony

The price of the room includes a full English breakfast accompanied by a not so full cold buffet

I should point out that the Hotel has 12 rooms. That means one blueberry and one pastry per room, plus a third of a banana.

The dining room was overseen by a delightfully cheerful woman, renowned for her sense of style

I am fairly sure I know where the rest of the cold buffet has gone.

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9 Responses to Oh to be in England, now that April’s there

  1. Baz says:

    Man up you two, the temperatures are almost up to double figures. Although I have to admit that balcony does look as though it was designed for Douglas Bader.

  2. Graham George says:

    Wicked! But hilarious and sadly mostly true but staycation is all the rage! xx

  3. Connie Kerins says:

    Hilarious Andrew!!!!!  I KNOW how you must be suffering! Enjoy your mom at least, while you can my friend. And I’m going right now to repack my bag for Ireland….. I’ll bring my down jacket….. Con

    Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

  4. Carol says:

    He’s baaaaaaaaaaaack!

  5. Dennis Owen says:

    How simply gorgeous! You really outdid yourself this time, dear old Andrew! Sorry, but where were the red beans and fried tomatoes? Really?

  6. susie margaret ross says:

    oh, andrew — i am so happy to see you on the road again at last — your dispatches always make me laugh out loud (and i sorely need that, these days)!

  7. Sophie says:

    Ed- I am adding some much needed balance to this blog! Andrew- you did not mention that Keats said about Teignmouth ‘ Here all the Summer could I stay’ !! Xx ( I don’t think he stayed in the same hotel!)

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