Sri Lanka is famous for its elephants – they are everywhere. It is also famous for its leopards.

You may remember that when we were in Sri Lanka last year we went on a safari and saw more elephants in one day than we are ever likely to see again. And then of course there was India and Thailand. So an elephant safari is not high on my list, but a leopard safari is. Our agent told us there were three National Parks very close to Sigiriya where leopards could be sighted, so we asked him to book us one. And that will be tomorrow’s activity.

On the way back from Lion Rock we tell Desha our plans. He shows us his tour guide credentials, and proudly points to a badge that shows he is a member of the Sri Lankan Wild Life Preservation Society. He tells us that the information the agent gave us is incorrect. There are no leopards in these three parks. They are in other parks on the island, all of which are too far away for us at the moment. These parks are all about elephants. But he says he knows all three parks well, and all the Safari companies. Once he has dropped us off he will talk to them and find out which is the best park to visit tomorrow for seeing elephants, and then he will select the best Safari company to take us there. At last Desha is doing something useful. We will not see leopards but we will have the best elephant safari he can provide. Sounds good to me.

We let Desha go ahead with the arrangements.

When will we ever learn.

As he drops us off at our hotel, he says “I will see you tomorrow at 5am”

There he goes again. I want to yell “NO, YOU WILL NOT”

Instead I ask how far is the drive to the park. 10 minutes, he replies.

I ask very nicely why he needs to pick us up at 5am.

He explains that getting there at dawn gives us the best opportunity to see the wildlife.

That depends on whether your eyes are open or shut. Ours will be shut

I suggest what seems to me to be very obvious – elephants should not be too hard to spot at anytime of the day.

He sighs and asks when we would like to be picked up.

He should already know the answer.

He picks us up at 10am.

The drive to the safari company he has picked for us only takes 5 minutes.

When we get there, they are closed. It comes as quite a shock to him, not to mention us.

He gets out his phone and makes a call.

They will be here in a few minutes, he tells us.

Twenty to be exact.

The jeep and driver arrives. We know exactly what to expect. The narrow roads around Sigiriya are full of Safari jeeps every day. They all look something like this

Two or three rows of seats with open sides, open front and open back. Perfect for animal viewing.

Ours does not

Desha, with all his knowledge, has found something a little different. Instead of looking out to the view ahead we stare at a black wall with a mail slot of a window which is perfect for viewing the tree tops. Fascinating!

You can see how happy Gordon is.

When the jeep arrives, we see Desha look at it, but he says nothing. He gets into the cab of the jeep with the driver. They both have perfect views!

What is even more annoying is that we can’t communicate with either of them. They are locked away in the cab. They can’t hear us and we can’t hear them. We can’t see if any animals lie ahead of us, and they can’t tell us.

The rains of the past week don’t help. Many of the trails through the park have been washed away and replaced by deep muddy tracks, or worse still are completely covered in water. We spend the first hour going in circles trying to find a trail that we can drive along. You would think the driver would already know where to go. We would love to tell him!

We bounce around in the back like old people on a trampoline. It is incredibly uncomfortable and we have to hold on to the sides or the roof bars. Then suddenly the jeep lurches downwards and we find ourselves completely stuck in a muddy hollow with water up to the top of the wheels. Our driver starts to get out to take a look, sees how high the water is, and changes his mind. Instead he puts the jeep into reverse and stamps as hard as he can on the accelerator.

It doesn’t help. We don’t move. The wheels spin crazily, water and mud flies everywhere, but mainly in Gordon’s direction. He is covered from head to toe. It his not his best look. I desperately want to take a photograph, but he is so angry, I daren’t.

Meanwhile the driver and Desha are completely oblivious to the muddy disaster that is Gordon. I have to lean out of the back reach forward and bang on their window.

Desha asks if there is a problem. I could give him the list, but there isn’t time. Gordon is now red in the face, eyes bulging, teeth bared

Desha takes one look at Gordon, disappears back into the cab and reappears with a smile and offers Gordon one handy wipe. There is going to be a death in the jeep very soon. I just can’t decide whether it will be Gordon or Desha.

While Gordon is attempting to clean himself off with one wipe and a couple of tissues, the driver tries to maneuver the Jeep out of the hole. Eventually he does, and continues onwards. We are yet to see an elephant.

Thirty minutes pass very slowly. Gordon doesn’t speak; he just sits and fumes. The mud is drying quickly on him, and becoming hard and lumpy. It cracks when he moves. I still daren’t take a photo.

I lean out of the truck and bang on Desha’s window. I tell him we are not happy. There are no elephants and if there were we wouldn’t be able to see them. He suggests we stand up to get a better view. That is the final straw Now I am as angry as Gordon.

I am 78 not 28, I tell him. Take us back to the hotel right now.

I was thinking we would have a long journey back. Instead we take an immediate left through some bushes and we are on the main road. This entire time we have been just feet away from the road. This is the one and only animal we saw

A very small water buffalo which I am sure is a farm animal. It certainly isn’t the giant water buffalo we have seen on other safaris.

The following day we are driving to the ruins of an ancient city. We pass a lovely lake with an elephant in it

and then we pass an elephant walking along the side of the road, carefully keeping himself within the footpath

And then another, grazing

Desha laughs, and says “you should have gone with Desha Safaris”

It is definitely Desha who is going to die.