It is quite an entrance

She arrives like a funnel cloud, a swirling whirlwind of energy kicking up dust where she lands, and leaving behind her utter chaos. Our first sight of her, from our table outside Bruno’s restaurant in Howard Beach, is stepping out of a large black car with tinted windows which she has double parked, effectively blocking in two legally parked cars.

She swirls into the restaurant, stopping briefly to look us up and down.

“Are you boys new in town?” she asks, but doesn’t wait for an answer.

She could be anywhere from 45 to 65, but thinks she is 25. She is small with long white hair, badly in need of some conditioner, bleached as it is to within an inch of its life, presumably to cover up the grey. It hangs rather limply down over her shoulders. Her dress is way too short, way too white and way too sheer. There are buttons down the front and way too many of them are left undone. Not only that, but the price tag is still clearly visible as she turns away from us, hanging down inside the dress. Presumably freshly stolen from the rails of TJ Maxx. Tomorrow she will return it and ask for her money back. If she knew she was going to steal a white dress she would presumably not have worn black panties. A bra was clearly not an option.

She is, to put it kindly, a bit of a mess

We watch through the windows as she moves through the restaurant. We are surprised to see the Maitre D’ make a great fuss over her. She is clearly not happy, and he is clearly very anxious.

We presume the problem is that there are no tables available inside, which is why we are sitting outside. It is chilly and we are not dressed for it, and we are wearing a lot more than she is! She storms out of the restaurant, gets in the car, lowers the windows and turns up the the music to an ear splitting volume ………. and sits ……… and waits.

Within minutes the Maitre D’ rushes out of the restaurant, goes round to the driver’s side of her car and leans in through the window. Negotiations are made, the music gets turned off, and she follows the Maitre D’ back to the restaurant.

Who the hell is this woman?

We are about to find out………………………..