We are flying to Taiwan. We fly out of San Francisco at 11:30 in the evening. We arrive in Taiwan at 6 a.m. two days later. It’s a 14 hour flight. Would somebody please explain that to me?

Dearest (not so gentle) readers, I know that looks like a question, and sounds like a question, but it really isn’t. There is no need to write a long explanation about crossing the date line. But however rationally you look at it, it is very confusing

We are traveling on Eva Airlines, The national airline of Taiwan. We have flown with them before and they have been excellent. They look after you beautifully, they remember your name, and they are very generous with the champagne. What’s not to like?

And that dear readers is a question, and I’m going to answer it for you. What is not to like is their lie flat beds. They are not for the human shape, unless you happen to be shaped like an ice cream cone. I am not. The seat itself is perfectly comfortable, but the area where your legs go (when lying flat) is the size of a drain pipe. Trying to get into it, is like trying to get into a condom that is way too small.

Dearest gentle readers, don’t even go there! Let’s just say I have a vivid imagination and leave it at that.

As your seat reclines, you must clamp your legs tightly together, point your toes. and ever so carefully aim at the drain pipe. If your legs aren’t sticking out in front of you and perfectly straight, they will not go in. And if they do go in, your trouser legs get pushed up to your calf and you spend the rest of the flight remembering how legs can swell during a long flight and wondering if you will ever get them out.

The situation calls for an ambien, but turning in your sleep is virtually impossible. Your body might turn but your legs stay exactly where they are. If you attempt to take them out of the pipe while you are lying down the legs must bend, and then your knees hit the TV that is placed just above them. I can tell you with absolute authority that it is quite painful.

The only way to extract your legs is to let them go limp and then push the button to put the chair in the upright position. There is a moment when you are convinced that your legs are not going to follow your body, but just as you feel you are going to be ripped asunder, a loud noise, unfortunately not unlike a fart, comes from your nether regions and your legs pop out of the tube like a champagne cork out of a bottle.

Its a long flight. It may only be 14 hours, but it feels like two days.