Gordon takes one look at Seabourn’s toy for adults and says “No fxxxxxx way”

He doesn’t usually have trouble with toys, but this one was just too much for him.

I take one look at it and say “WAY!!”

If you are not too sure what we are looking at, this promotional shot will give you a better idea.

You may remember we went to the Arctic on the Scenic Eclipse because Scenic advertised that they had a submersible. But once on board they announced that they were not allowed to dive in the area we were visiting.

Ever since then I have really wanted to take a dive in one. The Seabourn Venture doesn’t have one – it has two!

There is one major difference between Seabourn and Scenic. Scenic does not charge for this amazing experience. Seabourn charges $1000 per person. That is a huge amount of money for a 45 minute dive, but 25 people including myself are prepared to pay, however begrudgingly, and believe me, there was a lot of begrudging going on! But the thought of exploring these icy waters and watching the penguins and seals swim by makes it an experience of a lifetime for me. And could we possibly see a whale? There is no way I am going to miss this.

A couple of days ago, the ship launched the subs and it seemed that the dive was going to happen, but the pilot reported back that the visibility was really poor and there was no point in offering the dive.

Today is the second attempt. The captain pulls into a small bay named Godthul, just west of Grytviken. The weather is changing and they are hoping for some calm clear water where the sub can operate.

I watch as the sub is lowered into the water

The submersible is basically two large perspex bubbles, each of which seats three people. The captain or pilot sits in the middle with a bank of screens and controls in front of him

It slowly submerges until just the upper portion is visible above the water and then the pilot steers it around the bay looking for a suitable spot. The water is a little choppy and doesn’t look clear, but everyone is optimistic.

It looks so small in the water. It doesn’t seem possible that six passengers and a pilot are all going to get in that and dive down into the ocean. And one of them will be me!

The two subs finally settle on a spot out of the wind where the water is very calm. A zodiac with rescue officers sits nearby, just in case they are needed. I can’t decide whether I find that reassuring or not.

OK! I can. It is not reassuring! Why do they need a rescue team to stand by.

I try hard not to think about OceanGate and the Titan. But of course, trying not to think about it means I am already thinking about it. I try not to think about that too!

An ominous looking sky, full of dark clouds, isn’t helping. A heavy mist hangs low over the surrounding cliffs. Is it going to affect the dive?

I am going to be in the first dive. A zodiac takes the 6 of us to the sub, where the pilot is waiting.

Is there really going to be room for 7?

We are shown how to step off the zodiac and on to the roof of the sub, and then how to maneuver ourselves down through the small hatch. A fine misty rain is falling making everything wet and slippery, adding one more reason to move carefully.

The first passenger to attempt getting into the sub is a man of my sort of age and build.

He doesn’t make it look easy

I worry that I will get stuck, with the thick rubber sealing ring of the hatch firmly gripping my stomach like an overtight corset. I imagine people trying desperately to pull me out, and a large popping sound as I explode out of the sub like a champagne cork. It will not be pretty.

I am the last one to enter the sub. Thankfully there is no one taking my photo, so I can tell you with absolute sincerity that I entered the sub with an amazing agility that you just wouldn’t believe.

I knew you wouldn’t!

There is a short ladder that leads down from the hatch. There is no room to look down so I have to explore with my feet. I wiggle them around until I find the first rung. It is alarmingly narrow. There are two more rungs which are spaced far apart. It is a challenging descent in such a confined space. I am now standing on a small platform at the bottom of the hatch. The sphere I am to sit in is to my left, but the entrance is extremely low, the top of it is below my chest. Getting through it involves crouching down into a full squat and then somehow shuffling into the sphere while keeping my knees together and my head down. A simple maneuver for some I am sure, but one I fulfil by toppling headfirst into the seat. I manage a smile of greeting as I land on a woman’s lap .

The seat inside the sphere is crescent shaped mimicking the shape of the sphere. It is supposed to seat three but as I topple in I can see there is a very large man at one end and his much smaller wife at the other. They don’t appear to be expecting company and they certainly aren’t making room for a third. His wife tries shifting nearer her husband, as I attempt to perch on the end of the seat, but she is clearly alarmed at the prospect of having me join them

That is not exactly a welcoming look. It is extremely cramped and the poor woman is really squished in the middle with nowhere to put her legs. I try to feel sorry for her, but I am too busy attempting to get both cheeks onto the tiny bit of seat they have left me. It makes Ryan Air seem luxurious

The pilot is the last one down and he sits immediately below the hatch, with an array of instruments in front of him. He is just inches away from me. I resist an urge to reach out and touch.

The instruments that is – not him.

Sitting in the bubble, before we submerge is an eerie experience with the water lapping just above my head, a view of an iceberg that is way too close for my comfort and the shore line which is not too far away.

The pilot begins his briefing.

He starts by telling us that the sub uses a radar system that the sea life does not like, so they keep their distance.

“If you were hoping to see penguins and seals, I am afraid you are going to be disappointed” he says.

There is a huge cry of disappointment from all 6 passengers. We are here because we want to see penguins and seals underwater. We would get up and leave if we could, but we can’t. We can’t even stand up and shout. Actually, any form of movement is impossible. We are squished in like sardines in a can. The fact that it is a can with a view is irrelevant. There is nothing to see

We have been duped.

The pilot hurries on with his briefing, explaining that he will take us down to the ocean floor which is about 120 metres below the surface. Then we will slowly move across the seabed looking at all the wonderful life down there.

It sounds interesting but doesn’t dispel our disappointment

As we descend there is nothing to see except a hazy blue colour and a small propeller right outside the sphere.

The further down we go, the murkier it gets. The blue changes to a brown grey haze, visibility drops to zero along with our expectations. After 5 or 10 minute of nothing the pilot tells us we are three feet above the ocean bed. He tells us he will switch the external lights on to give us a better view.

I take a photo.

This is it

He tells us he will get a little closer – closer than three feet!! And he will move slowly along the sea bed looking for life.

Then, with an excited voice he tells us there is a star fish coming into view. It does

How much excitement can we take

Then he finds some sea plants

That’s my knee in the lower left, which gives you some idea of how cramped the sphere is, and that is the extent of the sea life at the bottom of the ocean, which gives you some idea of our enthusiasm at this point.

Sensing our disappointment (not hard to do) the pilot pushes onward keeping up a running commentary, valiantly trying to boost our enthusiasm while searching for something of interest. He manages neither. The best he does over the next twenty minutes is this

Really! This is what you get for a thousand dollars?!

We head back to the surface. The pilot tells us that the last few metres is really exciting. He will be releasing air from the sub which produces a lot of bubbles, and then the water will part over the top of the sub and the sky will become visible. He suggests that we all take a movie with our cameras as it makes quite the spectacle. We all do, and it really doesn’t.

He knows we are disappointed and apologizes saying that he can only show us what is there and with such poor visibility everything became rather hard to see. I feel for him, I really do!!

The couple next to me rush off to complain to the ship’s officers. Whether the complaint is about me or the sub, I am not quite sure.

They haven’t spoken to me since

The ship refuses to give any refunds.

No one is happy.