Cyprus advertises the archaeological remains of Kourion as “the island’s most impressive city-kingdom in antiquity”. Sold! – to those two gullible fools on the Seabourn Encore. We are imagining Cyprus’s version of Ephesus or perhaps the Parthenon. It is a long way from Paphos where we are docked, and we are only in port for a few hours. The ship is leaving at 3pm although the itinerary says we should be here until 5pm

We rush to get the rental car and drive an excellent freeway down the coast, breaking the speed limit all the way. We make a brief stop to see the famous “rock of Aphrodite” .

“Remarkably beautiful” states one guide.

“One of the top ten reasons to visit Cyprus ” says another.

It is thought to be the birthplace of Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love. Who wouldn’t want to see that? We pull off the freeway and head down a smaller coastal road with wonderful views of the coastline. We know we have reached Aphrodite’s Rock by the huge number of cars pulled in on the side of the road. There’s even a sizeable car park. The roadside is lined with people leaning over the guard rail to get a photograph. We jump out of the car to view this wonderful place. We take the Fabulosity Meter with us.

Get over it, people! I don’t want to be disrespectful to Aphrodite (I always want her help), but it’s just a bloody rock. Even the Fabulosity Metre groans

It should have been a clue as to how the rest of the day would go

Back in the car, we race on to the island’s most important ruins. Thirty minutes later there is a rather grand sign to our right pointing to a private road leading up the hillside. We turn in and start up the drive. The road becomes divided and there is a barrier across each side like a railway crossing. To the left is a ticket office. This being Cyprus, you can’t just drive up to the ticket office, pay and be let through the barrier. We have to park the car and walk to the ticket office. We are the only car there. Gordon goes to the ticket office where a young man is sitting inside a nice air conditioned room having a telephone conversation. It is midday. The sun is blazing down. The temperature is 98 degrees (38 C). Gordon stands there, sweating. The young man is seemingly having a heated argument on the phone in his cool room. He pays no attention to Gordon.

Eventually the young man gestures to Gordon to put the money through the ticket window. There is no sign to say how much an entry ticket is. So Gordon pushes through a $50 euro note. The young man picks it up, holds it up to the light as if he has never seen one before, and pushes it to one side.

He hands Gordon two tickets and continues his argument.

Gordon, expecting change, asks how much the tickets are. The man ignores him.

Gordon asks again

The man pushes one euro through the window while shouting into the phone.

Gordon waits.

He waits a little longer getting hotter and angrier by the minute.

He asks again how much the tickets are.

The man shrugs and pushes a 20 euro note through the window.

But he doesn’t know who he is messing with.

Gordon waits. He doesn’t say a word. he just crosses his arms and stares at the young man.

The young man tries to ignore him. I should have told the young man that I have been on the receiving end of that stare many times. I know it is time to give up. The young man doesn’t.

Gordon stares some more, sweat trickling down his face.

The young man actually puts his feet on his desk, still talking on the phone. Gordon raps the window as the stare becomes a glare.

The young man swings round in his chair, throws another 20 euros at Gordon and waves him away.

Gordon wins again.

I guess the tickets were 4.50 each! But we will never know. I am sure the young man takes the price board down when he arrives and pretends to be on the phone when anyone comes.

Not many people do.

We drive up to the parking lot, where there is a small building with a vending machine and a tiny gift shop with a sign saying “only three people at a time”

I don’t think they need worry. There are only two cars in the parking lot.

We are about to find out why. This “most impressive city-kingdom in antiquity” is nothing more than a pile of rubble with just one column standing upright. It is a completely different colour from everything else and we suspect it is plastic!

Further down the hill is an amphitheatre – of course there is. Every site should have one. This one is famous apparently. Built well over 2,000 years ago with a stunning view out over the ocean it is the only part of this archaeological site that is complete. It actually looks as if it was built yesterday, it is so perfect.

There is a reason for this. It has been totally reconstructed and is brand new.

This is what we paid 4.50 for?

I guess Gordon didn’t win after all.

Back on board ship we learn that Australia has just lost the semi-final of the women’s football world cup. They have lost to England. We are delighted.

Gordon says to one of the receptionists “Point out some Australians, I need to tell them how sorry we are that they lost!”

The receptionist looks at Gordon and says ” Seriously! I have to point them out to you?”

We have been avoiding the pool since the Australians arrived. They spend the entire day there. No cultural outings for them. Their idea of culture is asking for a glass of wine instead of a beer. It is standing room only in the pool. They spend hours standing chest deep in the water drinking endless bottles of beer. By 2 pm the noise level is unbearable.

But today it is like a funeral wake. They are still standing in the pool, but they are making little noise. They are in shock. They murmur obscenities and complain that the English women were playing unfairly and tackling too hard. This from Australians! We take little pleasure in gloating, but we can’t resist. But we do it silently. We know better than to say anything.

We go back inside where we get the chance to meet the next passenger of the week. This time it is not a woman and he is not from Australia. His name is Toby, he is 2 1/2 years old and he is from England. He has become the centre of attraction on board, but for all the right reasons. He has won the hearts of almost everyone. When he is not running around bumping into people’s legs and looking up at them with a big smile, he is sitting on a sofa playing video games on his children’s version of game boy. He wears huge colourful earphones and stares at the screen. Suddenly he pulls his earphones off and screams “Daddy I’ve done it” over and over again.

His excitement is palpable. I ask his Dad if I can take his photo. He says I can, but adds “don’t expect him to smile. He refuses to smile for photos”

I take his photo anyway

Not your uusual passenger of the week.