We have been to Mumbai several times and have done most of the sights with one glaring exception. Bollywood!! How can two gay men visit Mumbai and not go to Bollywood. The simple answer is that there have never been tours of Bollywood. But now some enterprising young Indian has managed to get the rights to do just that. So lights, camera, music it is.

We are off to Bollywood with a car, a guide and a driver. The guide speaks excellent English, the driver does not. Our guide is waiting for us outside the Cruise terminal. His T shirt is encouraging, he is less so. A rather dull young man who has learned a few facts about Bollywood but seems to have no enthusiasm for it.

Where is the over exuberance that should go with such a tour?

It takes over an hour and a half to get there. The traffic is appalling and so is our driver. His car has a huge dent on one side and we soon realise why. He takes aggressive driving to a new level, treating the whole experience like a game of bumper cars. He is fully focused on the road ahead and sings to himself the entire time. He allows no one to get past him, squeezing through impossible narrow gaps and brushing aside the myriad of irritating scooters like flies. We fasten our seat belts. It’s going to be a bumpy ride! But still we can’t stop a few gasps of terror passing our lips.

Our guide turns round and tells us: “There is no need to worry, your driver was an ambulance driver for five years before taking this job”

That is not helpful.

I tell the guide that an ambulance has a siren and other cars actually get out of the way. Neither of those things is happening right now.

The guide talks to the driver, who gives him his phone. The guide scrolls through pages of photos until he finds what he is looking for. He passes the phone to us and tells us to watch the video. We click on it. It is a video taken by our driver as he drives an ambulance. He careens through traffic at an alarming speed with the siren going. He is clearly enjoying himself, singing away at the top of his voice, as cars flee to either side of him. As we watch he turns round, gives us the thumbs up and smiles. The driver is clearly rather proud of this video, but if he thinks it is helping, he is wrong. First of all I do not want him turning around ato look at us while he is driving, and secondly all I can think of, is how the hell was he filming this with his camera while he is driving the ambulance.

The guide tells us that the driver is very proud that he never had an accident when he had a patient in the ambulance. He makes no mention of what happened when he didn’t have a patient

He takes us on a scenic route along the fabled Marine Drive.

As we leave the coast and head inland, the traffic gets worse, as does the scenery

We pass through miles of slums.

Finally the guide tells us that we are nearing Bollywood. It seems an unlikely area for such a glamorous business.

We start looking out for signs, as our excitement mounts.

We think of Universal Studios in Hollywood

And Paramount Pictures

We search for something similar, but there is nothing, just more desolate looking buildings.

The driver suddenly turns onto the sidewalk where there is a huge pair of rusted iron gates. He blows his horn and after a few minutes the gates slowly swing open.

We are here, says the guide.

“Where?” we ask

“Bollywood” he announces with a dramatic flair

My first thought is that this is a scam. 

There is no way that this can be Bollywood!

Where is the glitz and the glamour?

Where are the dashingly handsome Indian men and the glamorous women.

Stay tuned……………..