Back on board ship, things are winding down as the cruise nears its final day.

We are eating in Toscana, the excellent Italian restaurant on the ship, where over the past few weeks a waiter has befriended us. He is from Indonesia, in his forties, totally bald and as my mother would say “really rather plain”. He has a large paunch which seems to have been recently acquired as his white waiter’s jacket is stretched to its utmost limit in an attempt to be buttoned at the front. Somehow he manages to do up both buttons which makes it look like a corset, albeit a rather ineffective one. I worry that the buttons will fly off and do someone a serious injury. And darlings! He so so gay! So very gay! Hands fly, eye lashes bat, eyes roll and there is not a limb that isn’t limp. He speaks in a high pitched voice and his laugh is even higher – more of a squeal than a laugh. He laughs a lot and when he does, heads turn. He loves an audience!

When he first served us, three weeks go, he took an immediate shine to us. Don’t ask me why! He told us, with a delicious wink, suggesting there are many skeletons in his closet that are just waiting to be let loose on an appreciative audience, that he is so happy when he can be himself with customers like us. He has to be different with most customers and he has to be very different back home in Jakarta, Indonesia. Without saying anything explicit he has bared his soul to us, and it is heartbreaking.

As the cruise continues we learn more. It was too difficult to be gay in Indonesia, so he married and now he has two children. How that happened we will leave to your imagination. My imagination is still working on it. Sadly his wife died, which left him in a very difficult position. How was he going to look after his children and earn enough money to give them an education and a future? He knew that getting a job on a cruise ship would bring in the sort of money he needed but he couldn’t leave his children. He talked to his sister who said she would find him a wife, and she did. He says his second wife is a wonderful mother and is very happy with the arrangement. He takes care of the finances and she takes care of the children.

But he is only really free to live his life as he wants to when he is on board ship and when he has customers like us. He tells us he flits from one life to another like a butterfly. From that moment on, we call him Madame Butterfly. He loves it, and tells all his coworkers. By the time we leave the ship everyone knows who Madame Butterfly is. He is so excited. We have made him a star!

Tonight he tells us the special is Sardinian Seafood Pasta. We ask him what that is. He clearly has no idea. The hands and the eyelashes flutter while he tries desperately to think what it might be.

‘Made with sardines” he finally says. But the sentence finishes on an even higher note than usual, making it into a question.

“Really?” I say laughing

He squeals, and rushes off to the kitchen.

A few minutes later he returns. He says he asked the chef and apparently there is a place in Italy called Sardinia.

The man at the table next to us, who has been watching us all evening with a look of disapproval if not revulsion, guffaws rather loudly. We already knew that we didn’t like him, now we are sure of it. He has an unpleasant habit of clearing his throat. It seems to be quite a task, and unfortunately it is a task that he attends to quite regularly.

Madame Butterfly doesn’t care. But he does care that we are disembarking in a couple of days and this will be the last time we see him. He is very emotional and as we leave he flings his arms around us and holds us close for way too long, as if there was a death in the family. By the time he lets us go, the entire restaurant is watching. He really is a star, and he leaves us with his head held high and an extra loud squeal.

As if the Madame Butterfly show wasn’t enough for us, we now head for the theatre. A new entertainer came on board a couple of days ago and it is his show tonight. We met him in the bar the night before. He is from Manchester, Gordon’s home town, so we chatted away for ages. An extremely pleasant fellow but entirely unsuitable for what he is going to do. His evening is a tribute to Queen. He looks like a rugby player, tall and broad and slightly overweight, with a thick Mancunian accent and very very straight. It is hard to imagine him as Freddy Mercury.

Back in our cabin we read his bio, which tells us that his claim to fame was appearing at the “Derby Sausage and Cider Festival”. Now if that was my claim to fame, I probably wouldn’t mention it. Not only does it not bode well for his performance, but it tells us a lot about Oceania Cruises. They look for talent at the Derby Sausage and Cider Festival! This explains why we learned long ago that entertainment was not at the top of this cruise lines’ priorities

But we had promised him we would be there to see him.

He leaps on stage full of energy. He has a great voice. He certainly sounds reminiscent of Freddy Mercury, if not actually like him, and is dressed in one of Freddy Mercury’s glittering outfits. But there is something missing. He has learned the Freddy Mercury moves but he dances like a straight man. It is impossible to be Freddy Mercury and be straight. It is a Madame Butterfly dilemma, and much like Madame Butterfly he just wants to be a star. It’s not going to happen.

Dear readers, with that our cruise comes to an end. But as a final gesture, I will leave you with a multiple choice quiz. Take a look at the photo below and tell me where we are

A. Disneyland

B. The Epcot Centre

C. Singapore International Airport

The correct answer is C

And that explains why Singapore is always voted the best airport in the world.